day 11 :: forgotten

i live in the shadow of being forgotten or unnoticed. i am introverted and for the first 17 or so years of my life, i was painfully shy. the thought of speaking up in class made me anxious, so i rarely did. i let my test scores and essays speak for me. i was a good student, but that didn't really help me make friends. it was easy for me to fade back into a corner, while others carried on conversation.

once i got to college, i gained confidence and began to become comfortable with who i am. it was easier to speak up and speak out. it was a place i felt accepted and known.

i've moved a few times since college, and each time, for whatever reason, my introverted, shy childhood self finds it a challenge to get to know people and be known by them. i lose some of my confidence. there are days where it's just hard.

i had put a french bread pizza in the oven for dinner tonight. while it was cooking i was journaling about feeling overwhelmed by thoughts of loneliness, rejection, jealousy, and being forgotten.

the oven beeped as the pizza finished cooking and i got up and pulled it out from the oven. i have a tendency to forget to actually turn the oven off. i think my brain pushes that thought aside as i turn the timer off. tonight though, as i was walking back into the living room to give the pizza time to cool down, i caught sight of the 350 degrees on the oven and remembered i needed to actually turn it off too. i hit the off button and my eyes fell on the time.

6:15

this probably wouldn't seem like a big deal to anyone else, but to me, it spoke into my emptiness. my birthday is june 15. i felt God saying to me, i have not forgotten you. i notice you. i know you.

i am amazed again by my God's faithfulness. He provided for my needs through numbers on a stove top. reminding me of His promises...

:: I will never leave you nor forsake you [joshua 1:5]