a second chance

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this week 2 years ago i left my home and family in new jersey to became a resident of new york, wondering what life was going to look like. to be completely honest, the last 2 years have been tough. i had such strong ideas of what i hoped for, it made for a pretty rough time. i think a lot of it was that i expected things to happen to me.

i expected the job offer i took to be the job for me, finally launching me on my career.
i expected best friends to just appear.
i expected to be busy with social commitments and new endeavors that people put in front of me.
i expected to be engaged, then married.

can we say, entitlement much?

john and i had spent a considerable amount of time waiting and praying for me to move, and i thought that when i was finally able to, the clouds would part and angels would sing and we'd get a happily ever after.

life is no fairy tale.

and it's taken me 2 years to realize that my expectations were way too... selfish. they were about me, me, me.

i've spent the last 2 years playing the blame game. i blamed john for not being who i thought he was or not making enough time for me [read: basically all my free time]. i blamed other people for not "reaching out" enough when i moved. i blamed God for opening doors and then letting me down.

eek. it's shameful to even type all of that out.

i allowed disappointment and frustration and anger to build up in me. i closed myself off from soaking in moments because they weren't what i thought they would be like. i shut myself down and isolated myself.

i was feeling pretty depressed in december about this life i had created here and about who i was becoming. because God is so good, a much needed holiday break spending time with family and friends helped rekindle the me i like being and renewed a sense of hope for my life.

i spent time owning up to my part in my own miserableness. or really, my whole. this wasn't anyone's fault except my own.

and this year i am claiming a second chance for myself.

i am fighting an internal battle that's saying it's too late to change. i'm stuck on this path. things are not going to get better.

but with the beginning of a new year comes motivation. and i might as well ride with it, right? (:

so i'm saying do-over. i want to use what i've learned and reach out. life is no good when you're busy looking in at yourself. i want to reach out to others, in friendship, in service, in thankfulness.

just because the last few years haven't been as pretty as i'd hoped, it doesn't mean the next few can't be. i want to look at life with open eyes and an open heart, to embrace it, whatever it may look like. i want to rely on His strength, to take Him up on His promises and live a life that isn't ordinary. i want to allow Him to work in me, to change me, to mold me, and to shape me into what He desires of me. and i want to surrender my expectations, so that i can accept His plans.

:: He who was seated on the throne said, 

“I am making everything new!” 

Then he said, “Write this down, 

for these words are trustworthy and true.” 

[rev 21:5]