Saturday, September 19

a lock in my overflow

do you ever have one thought in your mind but a completely different one comes out of your mouth? or how about compose something in your head, but when you write (or type) it down, it doesn't come out the same way? (like this blog!) why is that? why can i have one thing in my head, and yet it's like something halts it before it's allowed to come out, reads it, edits it and funnels through something that can be quite different from my original thought. sometimes this is intentional. we edit ourselves given the complexities of the situation and the way in which we wish to be perceived. sometimes it is good that we edit ourselves save we hurt others and/or ourselves. but, really, is it not just a mask for who we really are? perhaps i have made for myself a habit of editing, which is why the rough draft can never come out. and while there is definitely good reason for proofing and revising and value in a final draft, there is something to be said for the original. for the part that comes rough and real, untouched by rules, expectations, the "right" thing to say. i censor myself to gain acceptance, yet this creates a feeling of misunderstanding. wait that's not who i really am. how do i turn off the editing, tear down the wall that blocks my head from my mouth, make the thoughts turn into words? i suppose i hope finding the answer to this will make me feel more like me, or help me to understand myself, and make connections with others that feel true. i don't really know if that's the case. i guess at best i can be fairly certain that it will bring me peace about not having regret over the thought that i didn't say what i was really thinking or that things could ever be different had i only said what i really felt. but is peace of mind what i'm really seeking? i want to be undivided. perhaps it's that my heart is unaligned with my head... "out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks"(matt12:34)

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