Tuesday, May 24

walking on water

my car was in the shop this weekend. i'd been putting off the whole check-engine-light-being-on-thing since october. i knew at some point i'd have to take care of it. cue friday afternoon driving home from work: my thermostat began climbing higher and higher above the H til the point where i was actually afraid it would just *ping* break right off. i came to a stop sign, the car shut off and every light on the dashboard lit up. after a few tries and a few more prayers it started again.

[please, Lord, just let me make it home.]

and i made it, just in time for smoke to start pouring out of the hood.

with john's help, my car was diagnosed and being worked on by that evening. and for awhile i was thankful - thankful for making it home, for a boyfriend who came right away to help me out, for john's dad having a friend who was willing to do the work on a friday night and charge me a fraction of what it would have cost me at a regular shop.

then i looked at my bank account. and the guy who worked on my car told me there was more i really should do yesterday as soon as possible to the car. more parts to buy, more labor to pay for. and then i remembered the rent that's due next week. then i started thinking about my credit card debt. and then about how i'm not married. and how defeated i feel about my ability to make friends and how badly i just want to find people here that feel like family. and how so much of life just hurts and isolates and wounds.
and that's when i had a peter moment.


one minute i was thankful and trusting God to provide for all my needs. the next i had looked away and focused on the troubles of this world and how impossible so many things seem to me.

one moment, walking on water.

the next, sinking.

i panicked. i freaked. my stomach got all tied in knots.

but then, i remembered peter. he had been walking on water until doubt caused him to sink. and it was doubt throwing me into this frenzy. the moment i started to doubt my God's protection and provision and plan for my life, the waves started crashing over me. my focus turned from Him to me and i was overwhelmed.

oh, how i need Him.

and all He asks is that i look to Him.

"you will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you." [isaiah 26:3]

peace... to calm any raging sea. gently He pulls me back up. His love washes over and exceeds all the worry and anxiety i've mustered. softly He reminds me that He will provide all my needs according to the riches of His glory. and then, He tells me to walk.

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