today

today two friends celebrate birthdays.

today two friends handed their 7 month old daughter to surgeons to operate on her tiny heart. (everything went well - thank you Jesus - and now they wait in recovery.)

today a woman battling cancer for the last 5 years (after being told 5 years ago she had months to live) lost her fight and passed away.

today was a day about so much of the rawness of life, the simple things it all really comes down to - life and death.

the time we have in between when we are born and when we die is really so short, no matter if it is days or decades. in it we experience births and deaths. we are witness to the full circle of what we call a lifetime. and what do we do with ours? 

days like today remind me to focus on what really matters. am i doing the things He's prepared for me to do? am i drawing closer to Him with every breath? does what i'm doing have eternal significance? am i loving others? am i being generous with the gifts He's given me?

some day this is all going to fade away. some day it will be no more. but i want it to mean something. i want my days to count.

i want to know Him before i see Him face to face.

walking on water

my car was in the shop this weekend. i'd been putting off the whole check-engine-light-being-on-thing since october. i knew at some point i'd have to take care of it. cue friday afternoon driving home from work: my thermostat began climbing higher and higher above the H til the point where i was actually afraid it would just *ping* break right off. i came to a stop sign, the car shut off and every light on the dashboard lit up. after a few tries and a few more prayers it started again.


[please, Lord, just let me make it home.]


and i made it, just in time for smoke to start pouring out of the hood.


with john's help, my car was diagnosed and being worked on by that evening. and for awhile i was thankful - thankful for making it home, for a boyfriend who came right away to help me out, for john's dad having a friend who was willing to do the work on a friday night and charge me a fraction of what it would have cost me at a regular shop.


then i looked at my bank account. and the guy who worked on my car told me there was more i really should do yesterday as soon as possible to the car. more parts to buy, more labor to pay for. and then i remembered the rent that's due next week. then i started thinking about my credit card debt. and then about how i'm not married. and how defeated i feel about my ability to make friends and how badly i just want to find people here that feel like family. and how so much of life just hurts and isolates and wounds.
and that's when i had a peter moment.

Source

one minute i was thankful and trusting God to provide for all my needs. the next i had looked away and focused on the troubles of this world and how impossible so many things seem to me.


one moment, walking on water.


the next, sinking.


i panicked. i freaked. my stomach got all tied in knots.


but then, i remembered peter. he had been walking on water until doubt caused him to sink. and it was doubt throwing me into this frenzy. the moment i started to doubt my God's protection and provision and plan for my life, the waves started crashing over me. my focus turned from Him to me and i was overwhelmed.


oh, how i need Him.


and all He asks is that i look to Him.


"you will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you." [isaiah 26:3]


peace... to calm any raging sea. gently He pulls me back up. His love washes over and exceeds all the worry and anxiety i've mustered. softly He reminds me that He will provide all my needs according to the riches of His glory. and then, He tells me to walk.

happy sale-ing

it's monday, and i have today off work. woot woot! things have been a bit crazy the last couple of weeks, so i thought it was about time to play some catch up. the church next door to the school i work for had a huge garage sale a few fridays ago. we're talking mini flea market here. the best part about it was that the money they made was raised for several missions projects the church is involved in. so how could i not wander over there for an hour or so and help some good causes? (: 

$12.50 later i walked away with these:

i had recently come across this room in all my diy/room redesign travels and fallen in love with the shutters. for $8 my dining room windows are going to be a whole lot prettier. i'm planning on using the green one to hang pictures on.

seriously i'm in love with the detail on these babies!

and of course, my book collecting habit was in temptation island that day. $.50 for softcover and $1 for hardcover and well, i stopped myself at 7. mostly because my puny arms couldn't manage any more.

i'm so excited to have john get the shutters up. and to shop for curtains for the windows too. and to spend some warm summer or chilly, rainy spring (as the case is for us here) afternoons reading!

i'd say this garage sale season is off to a super start. (:

happy monday!

ten on ten

linking up with rebekah for this fun way to capture a day, thanks to marla!

1. starting the day with a cup o' joe at work. 2. my copying skills are unmatchable. trust me. or at least just let me have this one (: 3. this big, shiny toy ring makes noise when i shake it. this goes well with my workday jamming. 4. mid-morning snack. i'll never get through that to-do list without it. 5. reading a friend's first book on the itouch during lunch 6. juicy, yummy, and hollow strawberry from a friend! 7. mat kearney's new song. so good i can't help but move when i hear it.[hello workday jamming.] it's been on repeat all day. 8. unfinished scrabble game waiting on my dining room table for me and my stud. no peeking! 9. i don't know why, but i love this tree. i've loved it since the first time i saw it driving on country roads in western new york. i think it's beautiful in every season. 10. bedtime.

chasing abundance

truth be told, i'm on the internet way. too. much. sometimes i spend hours going back and forth from my facebook, my email, my twitter, my other email, my blog, my work email, clicking through blog after blog, daydreaming through online window shopping, on and on and back around it goes. at the time i feel like i'm doing something. at least, i tell myself i'm doing something: i'm keeping up. with what?  

good question.

i wander aimlessly through website after website. 

and i feel worse and worse about myself. 

i read about someone who's about to embark on a cross cultural adventure. i look at a shop whose website is adorable and whose business is successful. i find a new blogger who has 400 followers. i see picture after picture of beautiful people.

all the while, a voice in my head whispers...

you're never going to go anywhere. even if you did, what could you bring?

your new business "venture" isn't going to succeed. it's too much work and you don't have what it takes.

you're not a real writer. no one wants to read what you have to say. and what is it that you have to say again?

you'll never look like that. you'll never do anything or go anywhere because you're not good enough. just look in the mirror.

and then one day [yesterday, even], something happened. it became real to me that i don't have to listen to that voice. i can, in fact, tell the voice to go away. in fact, as scary as writing those thoughts down was, it was equally as freeing. 

i've heard it before, but never really let it sink in...

you don't talk to others that way, why would you talk to yourself like that?

when Christ tells me i am His daughter, a child of the King, fearfully and wonderfully made.

i was convicted, too, that spending my time the way i've been was not in fact "keeping up." it was dangerous and draining. i'm not living a life. i'm wasting it watching others live theirs. and the feelings that are stirred within me from comparing my life to my perceptions of others based on the way they look online are unhealthy. devoting that much time to doing, essentially, nothing is unhealthy. these ways are not life-giving ways.

but, there is hope. turn the computer off. stop looking at others. quit worrying about what other people are doing, feeling bad about myself if they're "getting ahead" or feeling better if i can somehow justify being "superior" [i'm telling you, it's ugly in here sometimes]. 

spend time with my Jesus. go invest myself in friendships. find those things that i love to do, that bring me joy, and do them, without worrying if they will come across as "cool" when posting a facebook status about them.

i'm tired of blindly accepting that this is how i'm supposed to live. He promises me an abundant life. i know it's not the one i'm living. i'm surrendering these patterns and chasing Him, asking Him what He would do with my life. not looking to the left or the right, but straight towards my Savior.




edit: i heard 'the cave' by mumford & sons this morning and realized how perfectly their 6 lines of lyrics said what i am saying:

so make your siren's call

and sing all you want

i will not hear what you have to say

cause i need freedom now

and i need to know how

to live my life as it's meant to be

amen.

web design 101

i took a web design class this spring semester. as an employee of a college/seminary, it's one of our benefits and i figured it was high time i took advantage of it! the course really challenged me. i went in with very limited understanding of HTML, no understanding of CSS and absolutely no experience working with Dreamweaver. web design is essentially another language. i joked with a coworker the other day about how the class should also be listed under the foreign language component of a liberal arts education! 

i struggled because i usually get tech-y stuff quite quickly, but languages, on the other hand, are not my forte. there were a lot of terms and jargon i had to learn to just begin to grasp the implementation of the sweet designs i had in my head or sketched out on paper. it was a lot of work, and i feel like i've only scratched the surface of the field of web design.

i've reached the end of the semester. my final exam is tomorrow evening. for the exam, i will be presenting my final project to my instructor - a live website.

i finished my site earlier this evening. i have to admit... i feel pretty accomplished. there is SO MUCH more out there for me to learn. the things that people are doing in web design these days are truly incredible and inspiring. there are many things i need to learn and work at to make this site what i envision it to be, but for my first website, i am happy. putting this project together showed me that i really had learned something.

my sister and i have decided to try our hands at starting a jewelry business. she makes gorgeous necklaces and, since she's got that part of it down so well, i have to continue to learn the web so i can market us. (:

we're not sure where it's going to take us, but it's been exciting to have a creative outlet and to challenge myself to do more and to do it well.

so, here she is! welcome to the world wide web, birchdesignshop.com!

[and can i just say how flippin' excited i am to actually have my own website?!]

i'm kind of sad that the class is over, and i'm really kind of not. (: i'm looking forward to having more time to blog more and work on my writing. and to get this business rolling, of course!