voices

the other day i was on the phone making an appointment. when i finished, my mom, who had been in the room, told me she'd never recognize me on the phone if i used my "phone voice" when i was talking to her. we laughed about how formal and, dare i say, professional i could sound - a voice i'd perfected after spending a year having to make phone calls for a job. a year of being paid to sound professional! (and no, lucky for me and you, it was not in telemarketing!) the next morning i rolled out of bed, eyes half shut, stumbled into the bathroom to take a shower and began my usual inner dialogue... "Good morning Lord. Thank you for the sunshine that helps make it easier to get out of bed, for Your creation of another day..." and on i went. as i continued to get ready my mind wandered a bit to all that i had to do that day, but i did my best to keep focused on starting my day with prayer. it was right around the point where i was mumbling something about "reconciling myself to something or other" that i stopped and asked myself "do you even know what you're saying?!" i was on autopilot prayer, producing words of Christianese that i've heard spoken in teaching and prayer over the last 20 years. but was i really communicating with God? absolutely not! i was simply running a monologue of repetition. it occurred to me that just as i have my "phone voice", i have also developed a "prayer voice": one of going through the motions, not giving any thought to my words save for the thought in the back of my mind that as a Christian i need to be in constant prayer. but God doesn't want my mindless, heartless words. He wants me, my heart, my mind... whether it's in silence or tears or praise. how short do i sell Him, how little do i show i care for and love Him, when i allow my day to start out of obligation to be a "good Christian", when i repeat words and phrases without a heart that means them? it's true that God loves me and desires my prayers, but prayers that are from my heart, prayers that seek to develop a deeper relationship with Him, during time that is spent exclusively with Him, where everything else is put on hold. time where i am with Him and Him alone and i open up and expose my heart to Him, and then wait on His Voice as well. God help me to break my "prayer voice" and take the time to be with You.