it's a familiar scene to many children. a girl the size of a blade of grass comes across a caterpillar of similar size and quite partial to a hookah. as he blows puffs of smoke in her face a question is spelled out, a question that though comprised of some of the smallest words in our language hold some of the greatest significance. whO aRe yoU?
the girl attempts to answer this question: "i hardly know... i've changed so many times today". i have to give her credit for her honesty. i mean i don't know what kind of response i'd be able to muster if, in one day, i had grown in height enough to break through a house then shrunk in height to the size of a larval creature. and with that honesty she is never able to answer his question.
i, too, find myself struggling to answer this tiny question. who am i? where do I find my value? my worth?
in high school, music defined who i was. i was a flutist and a member of a youth orchestra. i was a member of the choir and i sang on the worship team at church. people knew me as a musician. i also took honors classes and was known for being a smart kid. and ok, i was and still am a nerd and have the glasses to prove it!
in college, i became defined by different things. i became involved as a student leader. i was student activities co-director and went on to tackle the role of student body president. i was a leader, in my extracurriculars and in my classes.throughout my life i have placed my value and worth in my education, the activities i was involved in, the titles i held in leadership positions and in jobs, the relationship i was in, who i was friends with… but now i find myself stripped of all that once defined me.
and i hear the question in my head... who are you?
for 24 years my mindset has really been that it is the external things, the things that look good on paper, the things that can be seen easily by others around me, that made me who i am. but i find myself in a place where pretty much all of that has been taken away from me. so how do i answer?
i don't. i can't. i just don't have an answer. so i turn to the One who knows me better than i know myself. i take all the panic, the loneliness, the uncomfortable feelings and the desperation that i am feeling from not having an answer to the question right to Him.
and i sit and i wait. and i trust Him to reveal Himself to me.
because i've concluded that to know who i am i need to get to know the One who created me. my value does not originate from anything external. it comes from He who formed me. and i find who am i becoming whose am i? i am His. and maybe that's all i need to know. maybe the short question has a short answer. i don't know. i'm still in the middle of sitting and waiting. i wish i had some really profound conclusion to end with but i don't. i have only where i've been and where i'm at and hope of where i'll be.