the exclusionist

i was in fifth grade. we were sitting around our table at lunch when i found out that the girls i ate with every day had been getting together on the weekends. without me.

it's a scene that has played out for me what feels like a bunch of times in my life in a variety of settings, places, ages, etc. exclusion.

being excluded hurts.

it can make you believe you're not worthy of friendship, that you don't fit in, that there's something wrong with you, that you don't belong, that you are not loved, and even that you are incapable of being loved.

it's made me a person who puts up walls, who is afraid to get to know others, who would rather sit alone in her apartment than call up a potential friend to go out for a cup of coffee, and who enters new friendships without hope and angry because she believes the lies above.

this mind battle has again reared its ugly head as i find myself (once again) in a new town. i hear the same thoughts in my head, the ones that stemmed from and grew out of that day in fifth grade.

no one really cares about you. she doesn't really want to hang out with you. she would only say ok because it's the nice thing to do. you're not a person people want to spend time with... be friends with... care about.

in a brief moment of being able to take a look at my life from the outside, i realized that the biggest problem in believing these things is really that being excluded has caused me to become an exclusionist. i exclude the people around me from my life. i don't let them get to know me, and i don't make very good attempts to get to know them.

all because of presumptions.

enough is enough.

my purpose in life is not to make friends. it's to share God's story.

it is scary to make those first steps, to open myself up, and to sometimes be let down. but my value doesn't lie with others. the love that i need is not going to come from people. being known by God and opening myself to be loved by God is the source of my value.

i hope that God blesses me with good, deep friendships along the way. but that can't become my idol. my fear of being excluded controls the way i live. it casts a shadow that isn't mine. it takes over my thoughts, actions, and identity. it puts a weight on me i was never meant to bear.

while He walked this earth, Jesus loved the ones that everyone loved. He loved the ones no one else did. He loved the ones that are hard to love. He was an inclusionist. and i've been called to be like Him. despite my past, my insecurities, and my fears. i can only do that by asking Him to carry my hurt and allow me to open myself up to loving others, without needing their love first or last. unconditional love.