Monday, February 16

gold: september 13 2006

destination: beautiful

this week i was out running... and i didn't stop. in fact, i didn't want to. i just kept running. which is especially odd for someone such as myself, who normally is ready to stop the minute her feet hit the pavement. my mind has been a constant rumble and tumble of thoughts as of late; there are so many "things" i just felt like my world, both inner and outer, were waiting for me to "figure out". and it struck me... in some subconscious way, i was running away.

and thus began the paradoxes. first… i long for companionship. to feel a part of something bigger. of people, of community, even one day in complete one-ness with another. yet here i am, hit with some troubles and i run.

then the big one. trust. to put it bluntly, i've realized that i give very little of it. past relationships, friendships, etc have made it very hard for me to hand out my trust to anyone. yet there is this voice screaming in my head, looking for someone to put my trust in and give myself to. i feel like a child asking, desiring, pleading... 'will you love me for who i am? nothing more, nothing less.' let me stop here and just say this is by no means a pity party. i have amazing friends and family who bless me each and every day with their love. but even still, i'm searching. i fear trusting people, yet i hand my heart out more often than i'd like.

realizing the extent to which my past has seriously disrupted my ability to trust others is painful. even more painful still has been the minute grasp i've come to have on how little my trust in God has been. my concept of trust has been torn down and is slowly being reconstructed. the biggest brick right now... trust does not mean clarity. in fact, quite the opposite. to trust means to welcome uncertainty and unanswered questions.

we often presume that trust will dispel the confusion, illuminate the darkness, vanquish the uncertainty, and redeem the times… it does not still the chaos or dull the pain or provide a crutch… the way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. the next stop discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment.

and really, there's so much more to it, stuff that runs far deeper than what i've just written. but the world is still beckoning and my thoughts are running out at the moment. i'm making progress on this whole journey; i'm moving from a walk to a steady jog. i'm working on trusting my God, without needing to know what the next step is. and most importantly, without worry. yes, there are a lot of questions right now and there are what seem like so very few answers. And even more so than that, right now i'm terrified of making a poor decision. yet i think that's ok. because that's exactly where trust falls into the picture. trust Him. He'll hold me by my right hand, He'll guide me with His counsel. all He asks, is that i trust.

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