one from the college files

...i don't want to drown, i want to find life...


and so i've reached this moment, a moment filled with hope and anticipation, yet i am slowly being suffocated with fear and worry. i don't want to live in a paralyzed state; i'm sick of being trapped. i have had enough with laying my head down at night and wondering what the heck i just did with this day. what mark did i leave on the world? how did i reflect jesus to someone today? most of the time, i simply hope for sleep to come so i can wake up with another chance. it's a despairing feeling. i despise settling, yet day after day, i settle. 


but i feel it within me... my spirit calls out: live free, live wild, live with passion. 


 i am ready to embrace the world with my arms open. i seek adventure. i am learning to be content with mystery, to even embrace it. 


yet, i wrestle... how do i get from what my words and actions currently reflect - discontent, apathy, anxiety - to a place where that which i know is fighting to rise within me is exposed? how do i push past the murk and darkness? my only answer... 

trust... 

trust in the One who knows me better than myself, the One who whispers to me softly, 'i created you, i love you, trust me'. He knows my every step, the path i've taken to reach this point, and the roads that await me. be still and listen. i struggle; a battle rages within me... i know all this to be true, but why do i fail to follow through? 


when to wait, when to act, when can i be certain of certainty? in the end, all i desire is to be alive. not just breathing and functioning, but freely living, changing, growing, experiencing, soaring. 


 He will lead, He will guide, He will lay down each step at the exact moment i need it. all He asks is for my trust and my will to walk in faith. He will not let my foot slip... 


a chapter is ending; another is beginning... and i am preparing to step.