for the love of music

best lyric i've heard lately: you gotta get, get over yourself a little, to see the grass is green. (7:16am) it is dark and rainy. and at this moment i am driving by two hard-working individuals each dressed as the statue of liberty, waving at me on my dark and rainy commute to work. (7:21am) i pass by a delivery truck that informs me its contents include Heiner's. i chuckle to myself as i envision the sight to be seen should said vehicle hit a terrible bump in the road, causing its back doors to be flung open and heiners to be exposed to anyone who happens to be driving behind it. (7:33am) pulling into the parking garage, a song starts on the radio. i park… and cannot leave my car. it takes all i have to turn the car off and get out while the song is still playing. what is it with music? why does it compel me to abandon whatever it is that's in front of me? what is it with some songs that can make me want to sing aloud in the middle of the laundromat or dance and tap along in the middle of my workday despite all the social stigmas these sorts of behaviors would elicit? it's as though a force inside of me is fighting to burst out. certain rhythms, voices, beats… they pull at me in an indescribable manner. i can literally feel it pushing on my chest. i don't know what this force is, but it is powerful and takes everything in me to control it. and all too often, it really does control me. i have to take this moment to apologize to anyone who has ever been in the car with me when such a song has come on. first because anything you may have said to me during the duration of the song was not met by any comprehension on my part. and also because as i sat there, i was getting very upset with you as you talked as i could not understand how you could not be gripped by such music. i may have even started the song over or turned the radio up a little bit. even as i sit here trying to type this i have had to turn off the music and concentrate on writing. but i tell you the truth, this is not my fault. it is the music. is this some form of addiction? do i struggle with this alone? the way it inhibits my behavior and life… should i be concerned? i don't know but for now, i'm just going to continue to let it carry me away…

one from the college files

...i don't want to drown, i want to find life...


and so i've reached this moment, a moment filled with hope and anticipation, yet i am slowly being suffocated with fear and worry. i don't want to live in a paralyzed state; i'm sick of being trapped. i have had enough with laying my head down at night and wondering what the heck i just did with this day. what mark did i leave on the world? how did i reflect jesus to someone today? most of the time, i simply hope for sleep to come so i can wake up with another chance. it's a despairing feeling. i despise settling, yet day after day, i settle. 


but i feel it within me... my spirit calls out: live free, live wild, live with passion. 


 i am ready to embrace the world with my arms open. i seek adventure. i am learning to be content with mystery, to even embrace it. 


yet, i wrestle... how do i get from what my words and actions currently reflect - discontent, apathy, anxiety - to a place where that which i know is fighting to rise within me is exposed? how do i push past the murk and darkness? my only answer... 

trust... 

trust in the One who knows me better than myself, the One who whispers to me softly, 'i created you, i love you, trust me'. He knows my every step, the path i've taken to reach this point, and the roads that await me. be still and listen. i struggle; a battle rages within me... i know all this to be true, but why do i fail to follow through? 


when to wait, when to act, when can i be certain of certainty? in the end, all i desire is to be alive. not just breathing and functioning, but freely living, changing, growing, experiencing, soaring. 


 He will lead, He will guide, He will lay down each step at the exact moment i need it. all He asks is for my trust and my will to walk in faith. He will not let my foot slip... 


a chapter is ending; another is beginning... and i am preparing to step.

gold: september 13 2006

destination: beautiful

this week i was out running... and i didn't stop. in fact, i didn't want to. i just kept running. which is especially odd for someone such as myself, who normally is ready to stop the minute her feet hit the pavement. my mind has been a constant rumble and tumble of thoughts as of late; there are so many "things" i just felt like my world, both inner and outer, were waiting for me to "figure out". and it struck me... in some subconscious way, i was running away.

and thus began the paradoxes. first… i long for companionship. to feel a part of something bigger. of people, of community, even one day in complete one-ness with another. yet here i am, hit with some troubles and i run.

then the big one. trust. to put it bluntly, i've realized that i give very little of it. past relationships, friendships, etc have made it very hard for me to hand out my trust to anyone. yet there is this voice screaming in my head, looking for someone to put my trust in and give myself to. i feel like a child asking, desiring, pleading... 'will you love me for who i am? nothing more, nothing less.' let me stop here and just say this is by no means a pity party. i have amazing friends and family who bless me each and every day with their love. but even still, i'm searching. i fear trusting people, yet i hand my heart out more often than i'd like.

realizing the extent to which my past has seriously disrupted my ability to trust others is painful. even more painful still has been the minute grasp i've come to have on how little my trust in God has been. my concept of trust has been torn down and is slowly being reconstructed. the biggest brick right now... trust does not mean clarity. in fact, quite the opposite. to trust means to welcome uncertainty and unanswered questions.

we often presume that trust will dispel the confusion, illuminate the darkness, vanquish the uncertainty, and redeem the times… it does not still the chaos or dull the pain or provide a crutch… the way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. the next stop discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment.

and really, there's so much more to it, stuff that runs far deeper than what i've just written. but the world is still beckoning and my thoughts are running out at the moment. i'm making progress on this whole journey; i'm moving from a walk to a steady jog. i'm working on trusting my God, without needing to know what the next step is. and most importantly, without worry. yes, there are a lot of questions right now and there are what seem like so very few answers. And even more so than that, right now i'm terrified of making a poor decision. yet i think that's ok. because that's exactly where trust falls into the picture. trust Him. He'll hold me by my right hand, He'll guide me with His counsel. all He asks, is that i trust.

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