chasing abundance

truth be told, i'm on the internet way. too. much. sometimes i spend hours going back and forth from my facebook, my email, my twitter, my other email, my blog, my work email, clicking through blog after blog, daydreaming through online window shopping, on and on and back around it goes. at the time i feel like i'm doing something. at least, i tell myself i'm doing something: i'm keeping up. with what?  

good question.

i wander aimlessly through website after website. 

and i feel worse and worse about myself. 

i read about someone who's about to embark on a cross cultural adventure. i look at a shop whose website is adorable and whose business is successful. i find a new blogger who has 400 followers. i see picture after picture of beautiful people.

all the while, a voice in my head whispers...

you're never going to go anywhere. even if you did, what could you bring?

your new business "venture" isn't going to succeed. it's too much work and you don't have what it takes.

you're not a real writer. no one wants to read what you have to say. and what is it that you have to say again?

you'll never look like that. you'll never do anything or go anywhere because you're not good enough. just look in the mirror.

and then one day [yesterday, even], something happened. it became real to me that i don't have to listen to that voice. i can, in fact, tell the voice to go away. in fact, as scary as writing those thoughts down was, it was equally as freeing. 

i've heard it before, but never really let it sink in...

you don't talk to others that way, why would you talk to yourself like that?

when Christ tells me i am His daughter, a child of the King, fearfully and wonderfully made.

i was convicted, too, that spending my time the way i've been was not in fact "keeping up." it was dangerous and draining. i'm not living a life. i'm wasting it watching others live theirs. and the feelings that are stirred within me from comparing my life to my perceptions of others based on the way they look online are unhealthy. devoting that much time to doing, essentially, nothing is unhealthy. these ways are not life-giving ways.

but, there is hope. turn the computer off. stop looking at others. quit worrying about what other people are doing, feeling bad about myself if they're "getting ahead" or feeling better if i can somehow justify being "superior" [i'm telling you, it's ugly in here sometimes]. 

spend time with my Jesus. go invest myself in friendships. find those things that i love to do, that bring me joy, and do them, without worrying if they will come across as "cool" when posting a facebook status about them.

i'm tired of blindly accepting that this is how i'm supposed to live. He promises me an abundant life. i know it's not the one i'm living. i'm surrendering these patterns and chasing Him, asking Him what He would do with my life. not looking to the left or the right, but straight towards my Savior.




edit: i heard 'the cave' by mumford & sons this morning and realized how perfectly their 6 lines of lyrics said what i am saying:

so make your siren's call

and sing all you want

i will not hear what you have to say

cause i need freedom now

and i need to know how

to live my life as it's meant to be

amen.

web design 101

i took a web design class this spring semester. as an employee of a college/seminary, it's one of our benefits and i figured it was high time i took advantage of it! the course really challenged me. i went in with very limited understanding of HTML, no understanding of CSS and absolutely no experience working with Dreamweaver. web design is essentially another language. i joked with a coworker the other day about how the class should also be listed under the foreign language component of a liberal arts education! 

i struggled because i usually get tech-y stuff quite quickly, but languages, on the other hand, are not my forte. there were a lot of terms and jargon i had to learn to just begin to grasp the implementation of the sweet designs i had in my head or sketched out on paper. it was a lot of work, and i feel like i've only scratched the surface of the field of web design.

i've reached the end of the semester. my final exam is tomorrow evening. for the exam, i will be presenting my final project to my instructor - a live website.

i finished my site earlier this evening. i have to admit... i feel pretty accomplished. there is SO MUCH more out there for me to learn. the things that people are doing in web design these days are truly incredible and inspiring. there are many things i need to learn and work at to make this site what i envision it to be, but for my first website, i am happy. putting this project together showed me that i really had learned something.

my sister and i have decided to try our hands at starting a jewelry business. she makes gorgeous necklaces and, since she's got that part of it down so well, i have to continue to learn the web so i can market us. (:

we're not sure where it's going to take us, but it's been exciting to have a creative outlet and to challenge myself to do more and to do it well.

so, here she is! welcome to the world wide web, birchdesignshop.com!

[and can i just say how flippin' excited i am to actually have my own website?!]

i'm kind of sad that the class is over, and i'm really kind of not. (: i'm looking forward to having more time to blog more and work on my writing. and to get this business rolling, of course!

sunsets and heaven

i came across a train stopped on the tracks on my way home tonight. no sign of impending movement. my usual route home was completely blocked off. now, normally this would upset me a bit as i'm typically quite anxious to get home at the end of the day. [read: i'm an introvert and a homebody.]

but the sky was incredible. a thunderstorm had just passed through, leaving the sun exposed again, setting and shining an amazing golden color with hints of red and pink across the sky. puffy white clouds and gray storm clouds popped over the deep blue. and because of my unexpected detour, i got to enjoy it even longer.

there's something about sunsets and sunrises and beautiful skies that makes me ridiculously happy. bad days, sad thoughts, and worry and stress disappear under a gorgeous sky. something inside me is filled with peace. 

lately i've been thinking about heaven. i was challenged at easter sunday's service to be expectant each and every day for Christ's return. if i have to be honest, i really don't like to think about it, and i'm not usually very excited about it. this is an indication that something here on earth is holding more importance. idols are so easy to come by, aren't they? 

but the last couple of years have been tough. tougher than most of my years here. getting into a long distance relationship, losing my niece, moving away from my family because of my relationship, and wrestling with inner things that have just seemed to become more magnified as i've found myself away from any form of comfort and familiarity have tested and tried and taken their toll on me. quite frankly, i'm exhausted. and frustrated. and don't really know where i'm going. anxiety is a fairly constant companion.

and then there are nights like tonight... where my soul just gets a chance to breathe. my heart gets a chance to swell. and my mind gets a chance to rest. and i can't help but think that if a sunset can bring me this much peace, how much more will seeing the One who created the sunset.

this earth, this life - it's not how it was supposed to be. 

the pain, the heartache, the struggles, the loss, the loneliness, the stress, the mistakes, the worry, the tears... they are temporary.

joy, peace, hope, love... they are eternal. He is eternal.

so lately i've been thinking about heaven. 

"therefore we do not lose heart. though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. so we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." [2 cor 4:16-18]

 

i want to ride my bicycle

my stud and i saved our change over the last year. well, ok... john saved his change for the last year and i contributed here and there [what can i say? i like plastic!]. add to that some tax refund money and we got ourselves treats this neverending winter spring...

[bicycles!]

i just love that it's green!

however, it's not been very nice around here lately. the weather has been chilly, rainy and yes, even snowy! we've only had about two days where it was decent enough to ride.

but... they are predicting a warm weekend.

here's to hoping those tires will see some trail!