on wednesday, december 30, my grandma lost her battle to cancer. the dreaded c-word. that word that comes up way too much in conversations lately. i don't think i know anyone whose life hasn't been affected by it. the more i hear and see and develop feelings and fears because of it, the more i wonder if it really just serves to remind us that we really are mortal. and the fact that it seems to be getting more and more widespread and less and less manageable and out of the control of our doctors and researchers and technology? perhaps we really are human after all.
but, for this post, i digress...
2009 was a year of loss. of relationships, of an infant niece, of a grandmother, of parts of me i wish i still had and parts that were best to let go.
for most of the losses, there wasn't anything that could fill the void. at least not anything found on this earth. loss takes something away; it uproots a foundation and leaves you on shaky ground. nausea sets in and you long just to feel "normal" again. and really, you won't. you can't. parting means change. there's no going back.
i'm not really sure where i stand with all that went on this last year. in cliche ways, it's tested my faith and forced me to question what i truly believed and what the point of this thing called life is. i can't say i feel very much like a conqueror in any way. i don't feel like i've overcome the losses, and i'm battling living each day in fear. i'm on shaky ground.
it's in places like these where i have to choose to rely on my faith. to rely on a God who promises to never leave me. who promises me that He has not given me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love. who promises to make beauty from ashes.
2009 now seems long gone. 2010 is here. i find myself in a new place, with a new job, making new friends and establishing a new life. He has answered many prayers and yet continues to put me in a place where i still need Him desperately. and for that... i am grateful.