gathering all around you is what you wanted all along

ugh. i've been a bit frustrated lately. and quite a bit more absent from here. words aren't flowing as readily as they have in the past. i'm working through helen cepero's book, journaling as a spiritual practice, and just hoping from that that a) this writer's block will fade quickly and b) taking some time to write just for me and God will only benefit and better my writing in the future.

though, before i go...

i'm listening to number one gun's new album right now. i've said it before and i'll say it again. music does something to me that i just can't put into words. it's therapeutic, energizing, relaxing, empowering and just nourishing for my soul! the rest of this entry was originally written a few years ago, but at moments i like this i like coming back to it because it reminds me just how much i love music and the part of my life it has been, is and will be:

(7:16am) it is dark and rainy. and at this moment i am driving by two hard-working individuals each dressed as the statue of liberty, waving at me on my dark and rainy commute to work.
(7:21am) i pass by a delivery truck that informs me its contents include Heiner's. i chuckle to myself as i envision the sight to be seen should said vehicle hit a terrible bump in the road, causing its back doors to be flung open and heiners to be exposed to anyone who happens to be driving behind it.
(7:33am) pulling into the parking garage, a song starts on the radio. i park… and cannot leave my car. it takes all i have to turn the car off and get out while the song is still playing.

what is it with music? why does it compel me to abandon whatever it is that's in front of me? what is it with some songs that can make me want to sing aloud in the middle of the laundromat or dance and tap along in the middle of my workday despite all the social stigmas these sorts of behaviors would elicit? it's as though a force inside of me is fighting to burst out. certain rhythms, voices, beats… they pull at me in an indescribable manner. i can literally feel it pushing on my chest. i don't know what this force is, but it is powerful and takes everything in me to control it. and all too often, it really does control me.

i have to take this moment to apologize to anyone who has ever been in the car with me when such a song has come on. first because anything you may have said to me during the duration of the song was not met by any comprehension on my part. and also because as i sat there, i was getting very upset with you as you talked as i could not understand how you could not be gripped by such music. i may have even started the song over or turned the radio up a little bit. even as i sit here trying to type this i have had to turn off the music and concentrate on writing. but i tell you the truth, this is not my fault. it is the music.

is this some form of addiction? do i struggle with this alone? the way it inhibits my behavior and life… should i be concerned?

i don't know but for now, i'm just going to continue to let it carry me away…

parting with 2009

on wednesday, december 30, my grandma lost her battle to cancer. the dreaded c-word. that word that comes up way too much in conversations lately. i don't think i know anyone whose life hasn't been affected by it. the more i hear and see and develop feelings and fears because of it, the more i wonder if it really just serves to remind us that we really are mortal. and the fact that it seems to be getting more and more widespread and less and less manageable and out of the control of our doctors and researchers and technology? perhaps we really are human after all.

but, for this post, i digress...

2009 was a year of loss. of relationships, of an infant niece, of a grandmother, of parts of me i wish i still had and parts that were best to let go.

for most of the losses, there wasn't anything that could fill the void. at least not anything found on this earth. loss takes something away; it uproots a foundation and leaves you on shaky ground. nausea sets in and you long just to feel "normal" again. and really, you won't. you can't. parting means change. there's no going back.

i'm not really sure where i stand with all that went on this last year. in cliche ways, it's tested my faith and forced me to question what i truly believed and what the point of this thing called life is. i can't say i feel very much like a conqueror in any way. i don't feel like i've overcome the losses, and i'm battling living each day in fear. i'm on shaky ground.

it's in places like these where i have to choose to rely on my faith. to rely on a God who promises to never leave me. who promises me that He has not given me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love. who promises to make beauty from ashes.


2009 now seems long gone. 2010 is here. i find myself in a new place, with a new job, making new friends and establishing a new life. He has answered many prayers and yet continues to put me in a place where i still need Him desperately. and for that... i am grateful.