right now

i am not who i was growing up in new jersey.

i am not the person i was living in ohio.

i am not the same person who lived in new jersey the last two years.

i have been a different person since living in new york the last month and then some.

i could be on the verge of someone new, right now, at this very moment.

all me, and yet... not me.

the crazy and sweet thing about life is that it offers us second chances, opportunities to start over, moments of growth and change, seasons. a lot of my different me's have been attached to locations, but i think more often it is a choice of the mind and heart, as well as Who or what you surrender yourself to, that allows us to explore new parts of ourselves.

i've struggled for some time as my life has seemed so hard to live in, but i find hope in the fact that seasons end, and new ones begin. i find strength in the fact that i can control my thoughts, the way i see and think about the world and my life and am privileged to know the mind of the One whose thoughts are so much higher and greater than my own. i find encouragement that i am able to look back at other times in my life and feel gratitude for the way that they have shaped me; that this time, too, will make me who i am. 

embrace it, kid. face the challenges, be creative in solutions, and don't stop loving people. oh yeah, and don't. run. away.

all you ever wanted

lately i've been battling a bad case of the wants.

i want to be married.

i want to have my own home.

i want to be having babies.

i want to not have to work so much.

i want a sweet flat screen tv.

i want to not have to worry about money.

i want to be out of this season of my life and into one where i have all my wants.

these wants try and often succeed throughout my day of making me miserable because i do not have. but i'm tired of living under my wants. i want to be living in my haves. it's time for a new list.

i have Jesus - a relationship with the God who created me and gave me life and who wants to give me life abundantly.

i have a family - a family who loves me and gets me (kind of) and lets me be me.

i have a boyfriend who exceeds all of the expectations i ever had for a partner in this life.

i have friends - many friends, friends in new jersey, ohio, new york, pennsylvania, florida, illinois, north dakota, washington and outside of this country too.

i have a job when so many others are still looking.

i have a roof over my head, a warm home to live in and i never miss a meal.

i have the opportunity to live now and to learn as much as i can in this season, to carry the experience and knowledge with me as i move into different seasons. and i hope that i am wise enough to recognize and remember all of this and use my story to help others, be there for others and encourage others.

all i could ever want pales in comparison to what i have.

gathering all around you is what you wanted all along

ugh. i've been a bit frustrated lately. and quite a bit more absent from here. words aren't flowing as readily as they have in the past. i'm working through helen cepero's book, journaling as a spiritual practice, and just hoping from that that a) this writer's block will fade quickly and b) taking some time to write just for me and God will only benefit and better my writing in the future.

though, before i go...

i'm listening to number one gun's new album right now. i've said it before and i'll say it again. music does something to me that i just can't put into words. it's therapeutic, energizing, relaxing, empowering and just nourishing for my soul! the rest of this entry was originally written a few years ago, but at moments i like this i like coming back to it because it reminds me just how much i love music and the part of my life it has been, is and will be:

(7:16am) it is dark and rainy. and at this moment i am driving by two hard-working individuals each dressed as the statue of liberty, waving at me on my dark and rainy commute to work.
(7:21am) i pass by a delivery truck that informs me its contents include Heiner's. i chuckle to myself as i envision the sight to be seen should said vehicle hit a terrible bump in the road, causing its back doors to be flung open and heiners to be exposed to anyone who happens to be driving behind it.
(7:33am) pulling into the parking garage, a song starts on the radio. i park… and cannot leave my car. it takes all i have to turn the car off and get out while the song is still playing.

what is it with music? why does it compel me to abandon whatever it is that's in front of me? what is it with some songs that can make me want to sing aloud in the middle of the laundromat or dance and tap along in the middle of my workday despite all the social stigmas these sorts of behaviors would elicit? it's as though a force inside of me is fighting to burst out. certain rhythms, voices, beats… they pull at me in an indescribable manner. i can literally feel it pushing on my chest. i don't know what this force is, but it is powerful and takes everything in me to control it. and all too often, it really does control me.

i have to take this moment to apologize to anyone who has ever been in the car with me when such a song has come on. first because anything you may have said to me during the duration of the song was not met by any comprehension on my part. and also because as i sat there, i was getting very upset with you as you talked as i could not understand how you could not be gripped by such music. i may have even started the song over or turned the radio up a little bit. even as i sit here trying to type this i have had to turn off the music and concentrate on writing. but i tell you the truth, this is not my fault. it is the music.

is this some form of addiction? do i struggle with this alone? the way it inhibits my behavior and life… should i be concerned?

i don't know but for now, i'm just going to continue to let it carry me away…

parting with 2009

on wednesday, december 30, my grandma lost her battle to cancer. the dreaded c-word. that word that comes up way too much in conversations lately. i don't think i know anyone whose life hasn't been affected by it. the more i hear and see and develop feelings and fears because of it, the more i wonder if it really just serves to remind us that we really are mortal. and the fact that it seems to be getting more and more widespread and less and less manageable and out of the control of our doctors and researchers and technology? perhaps we really are human after all.

but, for this post, i digress...

2009 was a year of loss. of relationships, of an infant niece, of a grandmother, of parts of me i wish i still had and parts that were best to let go.

for most of the losses, there wasn't anything that could fill the void. at least not anything found on this earth. loss takes something away; it uproots a foundation and leaves you on shaky ground. nausea sets in and you long just to feel "normal" again. and really, you won't. you can't. parting means change. there's no going back.

i'm not really sure where i stand with all that went on this last year. in cliche ways, it's tested my faith and forced me to question what i truly believed and what the point of this thing called life is. i can't say i feel very much like a conqueror in any way. i don't feel like i've overcome the losses, and i'm battling living each day in fear. i'm on shaky ground.

it's in places like these where i have to choose to rely on my faith. to rely on a God who promises to never leave me. who promises me that He has not given me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love. who promises to make beauty from ashes.


2009 now seems long gone. 2010 is here. i find myself in a new place, with a new job, making new friends and establishing a new life. He has answered many prayers and yet continues to put me in a place where i still need Him desperately. and for that... i am grateful.